Be careful what you ask for

...but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it  Hebrews 12:10b-11

I would much rather be talking about the great basketball game that they played, or asking how school was today or "how was dance practice?" 

Lately, it has not been these types of conversations. Sometimes (this is a duh statement), parenting is hard. 

And why is it that every time my kids make not-so-great choices, I look back to see where I went wrong. Do I not spend enough time with them? Do I not hug them enough? Do I not give them enough attention? 

Do I need to hire a 24/7 IT and video surveillance team to save them from themselves...?

And - then I remember the prayer. Not the "God, keep them safe today." Not the "God, surround them with good influences." Not the "God, please let them all just get along today." 

The big one: "God, let them become as influential to your kingdom as David, Moses, and the apostles." "God, let them be the biggest Christian voices and influencers of their generation." Yeah, I've prayed that. Often. 

Poof!! Like God is just going to magically turn them into Moses. That's what I expect; that's not how He does it. 

God allows those that he loves to fail. God allows them to hurt. God allows them to make dumb choices so they draw closer to Him. Moses killed a guy. David was a cheater and murderer. Peter was, well, Peter. 

And to watch them struggle with sin (as a parent) is painful. In order for my prayer to be answered, I will watch them be disciplined. I will watch them live with the consequences of their sins. Sometimes major consequences. And I will have to trust that God allows these things in order to answer my prayer.

That's ultimately what I've asked for, right? It's part of the package. Pray the big prayer; get the whole ugly answer.

Ok, and then it occurs to me that I'm clearly not good enough to raise kids that turn out like the heroes of faith. Like, who am I to even think that? But, I have to trust that God placed them in my care because I'm  exactly what they need to be Godly men/women of character. My own faults will bring about a desire for more in them -- I can't possibly be the perfect parent. If I were, they would have no need to seek Him. 

Parenting sometimes is awful. I'm not even in the thick of it. 

But deep down, I don't want a hedge of protection for them -- I don't want them to live in a bubble. I want them to rock this world for His glory. 

Be careful what you ask for... 

The Crown Must Win.

"Your people will need your strength and leadership. I have seen three great monarchies brought down through their failure to separate personal indulgences from duty. You must not allow yourself to make similar mistakes. And while you mourn your father, you must also mourn someone else. Elizabeth Mountbatten. For she has now been replaced by another person, Elizabeth Regina. The two Elizabeths will frequently be in conflict with one another. 

The fact is, the Crown must win. Must always win."  (The Crown)

Who else is watching The Crown?

The Crown is a Netflix series portraying the early life of Queen Elizabeth II. In the second episode, the King (Elizabeth's father) dies of cancer (It's history folks - sorry for the spoiler). In one scene, Elizabeth and her husband Philip are frantically trying to fly back from a worldwide commonwealth tour after they learn of her father's passing. There's tears. There's frenzy. There's silence and reflection.  

And then there is a moment...Elizabeth is grieving for the loss of her father and looking for comfort from her husband. Slowly a revelation of reality washes across her face --- the moment that it hits her --who she was, is no more. 

Moments prior, she was a newlywed. A carefree young mother. Frolicking from country to county on royal "business" but not carrying the responsibilities that her destined title requires. That would be down the road after many years of mentorship from her father. She smiles. She laughs. Eventually a leader but far in the future. Life is good. 

And then, in one instant, she is someone else. 

Not just anyone else. She's queen. The Queen. A woman leading a nation. A woman who can have anything she wants at the snap of her fingers. But every decision, every action, every non-action now have far-reaching implications for millions of people. She is no longer her own.

She doesn't smile. Instead, there is soberness in her eyes - a fleeting acknowledgment that everything has changed. The office that God destined to her as future heir is here, ready or not.   

Her grandmother, a former queen, pens these words of knowledge in a letter: "For she has now been replaced by another person, Elizabeth Regina. The two Elizabeths will frequently be in conflict with one another."

And how true is that? Prior to becoming a Christ-follower, life was about me. All about me. And in a moment, one decision, that changed. I became an heir. I became an adopted child of the King. As joyous as that was, there's also a reality that my life was no longer mine.  

Yet, how often does the pre-Jesus woman bubble up and wrestle the Christ-following woman? Constantly. I still want things (me, me, me) at a snap of a finger.

The apostle Paul struggled with this as well:

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. Romans 7:21-23

But Elizabeth must live differently. I must live differently. Because every decision, every action, every inaction have long reaching implications on His kingdom. The kingdom that I am to lead others to.

Like Elizabeth whose crown has not been placed on her head, we walk through this earth with the sobering reality that we too live for someone other than ourselves. As royal heirs to a kingdom that has yet to be obtained, knowing who we are drives us purposefully away from personal indulgences that do not glorify the most Sovereign. 

I will not mourn my old self. 

The fact is the crown must win. Must always win.

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